Jealous Mama

At church last Sunday when Kirabo ran up to this older gentleman and started hugging him and playing with him, James began to inch forward.  He grew fidgety and I could tell he was trying to insert himself to break up the impromptu play date.  After, he commented, "I was so jealous of that man.  I just wanted it to be me."  Today Kirabo and I went to Caffe Roma for some lunch and this woman who worked there wanted to take him off to a playground in the back.  I thanked her for the offer and told her I would take him.  As we walked back she tried to explain it was her job to play with the kids in the back.  As politely as I could I told her I could take him.  She grabbed his hand, then I grabbed the other.  I continued to try to say that we were fine, but she continued to try to walk him around and play with him.  I kept telling myself that this was getting ridiculous but I couldn't stop.  

Before we came I read all about how important attachment is.  No one has ever regretted putting too much time and energy into attaching but there are certainly those who wish they had spent more.  We saw an attachment therapist who specializes in international orphanages and she reiterated how important it was.  Everything we read talked about how we need to establish ourselves as their primary caregivers and we need to be the one to meet all their needs.  Orphans typically are capable of forming many superficial attachments and will tend to go easily to the gentleman at church or the woman at the caffe.  What is important is severing those and concentrating on deep primary attachments with mom and dad.  I've been cradling him everyday in a blanket, feeding him a bottle and trying to help him become comfortable with the intimacy of eye contact.  The first time we did it, his eyes were darting every direction except towards mine.  Now, he easily grabs his blanket and crawls into my arms and can hold a gaze about 2-3 seconds.  It is an amazing accomplishment for him.

We learned all about attachment and are now even more convinced than ever of the importance of helping little Kirabo attach to us.  However, in these experiences I have realized how important it is for me too.  I realized I am a jealous mama.  I don't just need that attachment with him, I want it.  It's not just something I need to do for him, but something I want to do for me.  I want to be the center of his universe, his everything.  It's something we take for granted with our biological children.  That eye contact while we feed our babies, the constant cradling and comfort we provide for our little ones which they return a hundred fold to us.  It's just not for them, it's for us too.  There is something very unsettling watch the child you love walk off easily hand in hand with someone else as if it were you.  It might sound too soon to say this and I wouldn't have believed it before this trip, but I do love him with all of my heart.  Something happened to me that day in the orphanage when he kept peeking up at us.  He knew we were his and we knew he was ours. 

So there you have it, I am a jealous mama.  And proud of it.